ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES

A family is at the dinner table.  The son asks his father, "Dad, how many Kinds of boobs are there?"
  
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.  In her 20's, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."
 
"Onions?" the son asked.
  
"Yes.  You see them and they make you cry." the father replied.
  
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
  
The mother smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.  In his 30's & 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.  After he is 50+, it is like a Christmas tree."

 

"A Christmas tree?" the daughter asked.
  
"Yes, dear - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

 

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THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY!

We Must Stop This Immediately!

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper . Groceries are heavier . And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become! And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader? I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection .  Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror. Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling? ?I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!

Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

 

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer's fonts - they are smaller than they once were.

 

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brothers

part Deux

Improprietary-in a bad light...

Good housekeeping tip

Another Maxine Tip...

Always keep several Get well cards on the mantle...
So if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you've been sick And unable to clean.

gentle thoughts

Gentle thoughts for today.



Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.



A penny saved is a government oversight.



The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.



The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.



The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement



He who hesitates is probably right.



Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'



If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.



If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.



The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.



There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.



Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words
'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'



I hope these were comforting to you

Black and White

You could hardly see for all the snow,

Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.

Pull a chair up to the TV set,

"Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet."



My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in icepack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the brook instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring); no beach closures then.

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE; and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

Flunking gym was not an option...even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.

Oh yeah...and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played 'king of the hill' on piles of dirt and gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like Iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.

Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $99 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of dirt and gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.

I recall Tommy Hartley from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that? What was one, anyway?

We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T- SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED. I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING

It is important for men to remember

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is William. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. ;Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. Signed, William EDITOR'S NOTE: William died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Callaway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer lying nearby. His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that WIlliam somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

a day at the pro shop

the homestead

bob's travails revealed

Bob the tortoise's travails...

what to do

What's your source of motivation...

balot boy

Balot boy demonstrates the proper technique

Billjamima

see the original

a closer look at the billjamima bottle in the feng shui garden of good and evil...

Everyone wants to be a Reagan republican

The last thing this country needs...

High School Girls' T-Shirts Say WHAT?

"Trust Me...I'm Single"
"Don't Call Me a Cowgirl Until You See Me Ride"
"I Know What Boys Want"
"Yes, But Not With U"
"Your Boyfriend Is a Good Kisser"
"Two Boys for Every Girl"
"Single and Ready to Mingle"
"Flirting My Way to the Top"
"I'm Too Hot to Handle"

 

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If Someone Wanted To Publish My Blog Entries For Money, I Wouldn't Say No

jimbo_zone recommends a page from The Onion.

The recommended page is: If Someone Wanted To Publish My Blog Entries For Money, I Wouldn't Say No

Jack Pot

I was crestfallen when she left me but all my friends convinced me there were a lot more fish in the sea...and they were right...

Destiny

We all had dreams and aspirations...goals, benchmarks, ideas and ideals...unfortunately the pressures of adulthood and responsibility killed all these things and left me a hulking mass, disinclined to participate in the simplest of human interactions...I became a natural born crueler...

Excuuuuuse Me...

I'm sorry you have to see me like this...

If I had known you were coming I would have put my face on and done my nails...