We'll just see...

The people have decided to give the Democrats a chance to show the world if they can handle the pressure...

Answer May Be Attempt To Evade Question

Press Secretary's 'Zumtrel Flooby' Answer May Be Attempt To Evade Question

McCain's Brain #5: The Final Debate

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Death row inmates denied health care

TERRE HAUTE, Ind. (AP) — Death row inmates at the federal prison in Terre Haute are routinely denied access to medical, dental and mental health care, the American Civil Liberties Union said Wednesday in a letter to a governmental official.

A year-long investigation by the ACLU's National Prison Project uncovered "grossly inadequate" conditions that "fail to meet constitutional standards and jeopardize the health and safety" of the more than 50 inmates awaiting execution at the prison, the organization said in a letter to Harley Lappin, director of the Federal Bureau of Prisons.

"The Constitution prohibits deliberate indifference to the serious medical needs of prisoners, including those sentenced to die," ACLU attorney Gabriel B. Eber said in a news release. He called on officials to "do whatever is necessary" to correct the problems.

Bureau of Prisons spokeswoman Felicia Ponce said she could not comment because she was not sure whether Lappin had seen the letter.

Eber said his investigation included interviews with prisoners and a review of hundreds of pages of prison records.

 

According to the letter, prison officials do not promptly respond to medical emergencies, provide "woefully deficient" access to acute health care and consistently ignore signs of possibly serious medical conditions. It cited one instance of an inmate, who was not identified, pressing an emergency call button in his cell for 45 minutes before receiving attention for a heart problem.

It took three hours for a doctor to arrive and for the prisoner to be taken to the prison hospital, and another five days before the prisoner received his first dose of medication prescribed by a cardiologist.

"The failure of prison officials to adequately respond to the medical emergencies of prisoners, and to ensure proper access to critical medications, is inexplicable and could well result in prisoner deaths," Eber said.

The letter also said inmates are subjected to intense noise that results in sleep deprivation and "significant psychological distress."

These are REAL 911 Calls!

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?

Caller:  No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller :  Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .

Dispatcher : Excuse me?

Caller :  I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.

Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?

Caller :  No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller:   I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

Caller:    I thought you just said it was nine-one-one

Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller:    Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

 

My Personal Favorite!!!

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?

Caller:    My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller:    No, you idiot! This is her husband!

 

And The Winner Is.....

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1

Caller:   Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller:   I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.

Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller:   No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?....

Caller:   Running from the Police.

'My Fellow Prisoners'

The Right To Know

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Governor Palin, May we call you Miss Information...

A detour for the Straight Talk Express?

Magic 8 ball please tell me...

that about says itall

where are my technical credits???

Service

I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word 'service'.  

Internal Revenue   'Service'

U.S. Postal   'Service'

Telephone  'Service'

TV   'Service'   

Civil  'Service'

State, City & County  Public   'Service'

Customer  'Service'

This  is not what I  thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. BAM!!!  It all came into focus. Now  I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.  

I hope you are as enlightened as I am.

Red State Update talks Bush-Cheney with Ralph Nader

McCain’s Economic Plan For Nation:

McCainâ??s Economic Plan For Nation: "Everyone Marry A Beer Heiress"

Crazy Ol' Miner

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

A woman...

visited her plastic surgeon who told
her about a new procedure
called "The Knob," where a small knob is
placed at the top of the woman's
head and could be turned to tighten up her
skin and produce the effect of a
brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman
wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman
tightened the knob, and the
effects were wonderful, the woman remained
young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to
the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working
just fine. I've had to turn
the knob many times and I've always loved the
results. But now I've
developed two annoying problems: First, I have
these terrible bags under
my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

 The doctor looked at her closely and said,
"Those aren't bags, those are  your breasts."

 She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in
asking about the goatee."

 

Sarah Palin Strips Down

See more Gina Gershon videos at Funny or Die

what will you give

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago .
Nothing is moving   
      north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window..

      The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's
the hold up?'     
      'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah
Winfrey, Rosie       
      O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a
$10 Million ransom. 
      Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set
them on fire. We are   
      going from car to car taking up a collection.'

      The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'



      ' About a gallon.'

 

I'm voting for the first time in sixteen years...

I'm confident that I won't need one of these but if you are voting the Rebumlican ticket you might consider clickin on the image below...

TASTES LIKE HOME COOKING

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Thank Gawd I lived long enough to see this...

'Cosmopolitan' Institute Completes Decades-Long Study On How To Please Your Man

The Big Black Hat

Olympic Fever

Chinese Officials: Deadly Virus Sweeping China Is Just Olympic Fever

I need a new set of these...

I Kissed A Girl (Parody) - Katy Perry - Elderly Remix

Drafting Guys

 Over 60

(This is so funny & obviously written by a former soldier.)

New Direction for the war on terrorists. Send Service Vets over 60 years old.

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts ! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some idiot that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18 -year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-b____.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

 

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push ups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. in the 'New army' now, 'Get down and give me . ER ... one.'

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed-off old farts with 'attitude' and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

If nothing else, put us on border patrol ... we will have it secured the first night !

 

Darn women drivers!!

I know everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which sex you are.  This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a Woman  In a brand new  Cadillac  Doing 75 mph With her  Face, up next to her  rear view mirror  Putting on her eyeliner.  I looked away  for a couple seconds!  And when I looked back she was  h alfway over in my lane,  s till working on that makeup.  As a man,  I don't scare easily.  But she scar ed me so much;   I dropped   My electric shaver ,  w hich knocked  The donut  Out of my other hand.  In all       t he confusion of trying       t o straighten out the car  using my knees against       the steering wheel,  it knocked  my cell phone  away from my ear,  which fell,  into the coffee  between my legs,  splashed,  and burned  Big Jim and the Twins,  ruined the damn phone,  soaked my trousers,  and disconnected an  important call.  Darn women drivers!!

what's the problem...

that we have with Iran's horticultural aspirations...what's the problem with their efforts concerning Geranium enrichment...I mean, if they want to improve the quality of their flowers that should be their perogative and no one elses...leave them to their efforts and quit pestering them...

 

 

 

M.c.Cain in the house...

2008 Darwin Awards!!!

 

You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without

further ado here are the 2008  Darwin Awards............

Eighth

Place

In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned

in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an

18-inch-wide

sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place

A

49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when

he ran,'

accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily

run.

Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21,

dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been

sitting in

a beach chair at the bottom! When it t collapsed, burying him

beneath 5

feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels

trying to

get him out but co uld not reach him. It took rescue wor kers

using heavy

equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead

at a

hospital.

Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed

as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was

burglarizing.

Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his

mouth to

keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit

the

floor.

Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was

killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a

revolver

loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the

trigger.

Third Place

After stepping around a marked

police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into

H&J

Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was

full of

customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter.

Upon

seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up! and

fired a

few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk

promptly

returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and

fired. The

robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime

scene

investigators locat ed 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop.

The

subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics

identified

rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was

hurt.

HONOURABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife

Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a

quarter

stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would

happen.

Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER

UP

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of

them

said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local

bridge in the

middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at

least 10 men

trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon a

rrival at the

midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a

bungee

rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and

pointed out

that a coil of line man's cable, lay near by. They secured one

end around

Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall

lasted 40

feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the

ankle. He

miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was

rescued by two

nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS...

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (

Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of

animal

laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes

before the

plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.

Investigators say ill-fated

Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an

olive oil

enema when the relieved beast unloaded.

The sheer force of the

elephant's unexpected de fecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the

ground

where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to

evacuate

200 pounds of dung on top of him.

It seems to be just one of thos e

freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'

IT ALWAYS

SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES

FROM THE

GENE

POOL

Sound of jelly wobbling

I remember when they brought it in bottles to your door...

Whaad he say...

A Quickie in the Bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude 
man and one of a nude woman.   They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture,  brings the two to life.
  
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being 
so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." 
  
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go 
running behind the shrubbery. 
  
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle 
and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. 
  
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen 
minutes left, would you care to do it again?" 
  
He asks her "Shall we?" 
  
She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's!

 

But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the  pigeon down and you shit on its head." 
  
------AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???? 

Idle Thoughts of a Retiree's Wandering Mind

        I planted some bird seed.  A bird came up.  Now I don't know  what to feed it.
      ~~~
      I had amnesia once -- or twice.
      ~~~
      I went to San Francisco.  I found someone's heart. Now what?
      ~~~
      Protons have mass?  I didn't even know they were Catholic.
      ~~~
      All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
      ~~~
      If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride side saddle.
      ~~~
      What is a "free" gift?  Aren't all gifts free?
      ~~~
      Someone told me I was gullible and I believed them.
      ~~~
      Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
      ~~~
      Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
      ~~~
      One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other  people.
      ~~~
      My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
      ~~~
      I used to be indecisive.  Now I'm not sure.
      ~~~
      The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
      ~~~
      How can there be self-help "groups"?
      ~~~
      If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
      ~~~
      Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
      ~~~
      Is it just me--or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?

 

DANCE A WAY THE NIGHT

Bush Farts

'Warcraft' Sequel Lets Gamers Play A Character Playing 'Warcraft'

'Warcraft' Sequel Lets Gamers Play A Character Playing 'Warcraft'

Friendship

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

 

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he was still there.

tribal fusion

William rushes to the trough when the gong issounded

AUNTY SHARON ...

 

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.' 'What's the moral of that story?' asked the teacher. 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' 'Very good,' said the teacher. Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too.. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.' 'That was a fine story Sarah.' Little Johnny, do you have a story to share?' 'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon who was a RAF flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 Iraqi soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of ammunition. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.' 'Good heavens, that's some story,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?' 'Stay the f**k away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.'

 

Business cards

Anesthesiologist's business card:
When you care enough to sleep with the very best
**************************************
Â
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
**************************
Â
In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
**************************
Â
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
Â
At a Proctologist's door:
'To expedite your visit please back in.'
**************************
Â
On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
**************************
Â
On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..'
**************************
Â
On a Church's Bill board:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
**************************
Â
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
**************************
Â
At a Towing company:
'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'
**************************
Â
On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
**************************
Â
In a Nonsmoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and
take appropriate action.'
**************************
Â
On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
**************************
Â
At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come
to the right place.'
**************************
Â
On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
**************************
Â
On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
**************************
Â
At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car
payment.'
**************************
Â
Outside a Muffler Shop:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
**************************
Â
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
**************************
Â
At the Electric Company
'We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be'
**************************
Â
In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get
fed up.'
**************************
Â
In the front yard of a Funeral Home :
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
'Thank heaven for little grills.'
**************************
Â
And don't forget the sign at a
Chicago
Radiator Shop:
'Best place in town to take a leak 

Unbelievable

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple str uggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

Muffin Gun

Angry Kid Series 2: Russian Roulette

AtomFilms.com: Funny Videos | Funny Cartoons | Comedy Central

what's that...

The high cost of living

The price of Gas versus Printer Ink


All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are....

You will be really shocked by the last one! (At least, I was...)


Compared with Gasoline......


Think a gallon of gas is expensive?

This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.


Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon


Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ..........$9.52 per gallon



Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 .... $10.17 per gallon



Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ......... $10.00 per gallon



Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ....... $33.60 per gallon



Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 .... $178.13 per gallon



Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .. $123.20 per gallon



Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ....... . $25.42 per gallon



Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .....$84.48 per gallon




And this is the REAL KICKER...


Evian water 9 oz $1.49..$21.19 per gallon! $21.19 for WATER and the buyers don't even know the source

(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)


Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?

So they have you hooked for the ink.
Someone calculated the cost of the ink at............... (you won't believe it....but it is true........)
$5,200 a gal. (five thousand two hundred dollars)


So, the next time you're at the pump,be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or God forbid, Printer Ink!


Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump...

And - If you don't pass this along to at least one person, your muffler will fall off!!

Okay, your muffler won't really fall off...but, you might run out of toilet paper

---

Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile.

Madness