I'm voting for the first time in sixteen years...

I'm confident that I won't need one of these but if you are voting the Rebumlican ticket you might consider clickin on the image below...

TASTES LIKE HOME COOKING

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Thank Gawd I lived long enough to see this...

'Cosmopolitan' Institute Completes Decades-Long Study On How To Please Your Man

The Big Black Hat

Olympic Fever

Chinese Officials: Deadly Virus Sweeping China Is Just Olympic Fever

I need a new set of these...

I Kissed A Girl (Parody) - Katy Perry - Elderly Remix

Drafting Guys

 Over 60

(This is so funny & obviously written by a former soldier.)

New Direction for the war on terrorists. Send Service Vets over 60 years old.

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts ! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some idiot that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18 -year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-b____.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

 

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push ups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. in the 'New army' now, 'Get down and give me . ER ... one.'

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed-off old farts with 'attitude' and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

If nothing else, put us on border patrol ... we will have it secured the first night !

 

Darn women drivers!!

I know everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which sex you are.  This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a Woman  In a brand new  Cadillac  Doing 75 mph With her  Face, up next to her  rear view mirror  Putting on her eyeliner.  I looked away  for a couple seconds!  And when I looked back she was  h alfway over in my lane,  s till working on that makeup.  As a man,  I don't scare easily.  But she scar ed me so much;   I dropped   My electric shaver ,  w hich knocked  The donut  Out of my other hand.  In all       t he confusion of trying       t o straighten out the car  using my knees against       the steering wheel,  it knocked  my cell phone  away from my ear,  which fell,  into the coffee  between my legs,  splashed,  and burned  Big Jim and the Twins,  ruined the damn phone,  soaked my trousers,  and disconnected an  important call.  Darn women drivers!!

what's the problem...

that we have with Iran's horticultural aspirations...what's the problem with their efforts concerning Geranium enrichment...I mean, if they want to improve the quality of their flowers that should be their perogative and no one elses...leave them to their efforts and quit pestering them...

 

 

 

M.c.Cain in the house...

2008 Darwin Awards!!!

 

You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without

further ado here are the 2008  Darwin Awards............

Eighth

Place

In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned

in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an

18-inch-wide

sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place

A

49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when

he ran,'

accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily

run.

Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21,

dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been

sitting in

a beach chair at the bottom! When it t collapsed, burying him

beneath 5

feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels

trying to

get him out but co uld not reach him. It took rescue wor kers

using heavy

equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead

at a

hospital.

Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed

as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was

burglarizing.

Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his

mouth to

keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit

the

floor.

Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was

killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a

revolver

loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the

trigger.

Third Place

After stepping around a marked

police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into

H&J

Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was

full of

customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter.

Upon

seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up! and

fired a

few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk

promptly

returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and

fired. The

robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime

scene

investigators locat ed 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop.

The

subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics

identified

rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was

hurt.

HONOURABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife

Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a

quarter

stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would

happen.

Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER

UP

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of

them

said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local

bridge in the

middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at

least 10 men

trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon a

rrival at the

midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a

bungee

rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and

pointed out

that a coil of line man's cable, lay near by. They secured one

end around

Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall

lasted 40

feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the

ankle. He

miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was

rescued by two

nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS...

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (

Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of

animal

laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes

before the

plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.

Investigators say ill-fated

Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an

olive oil

enema when the relieved beast unloaded.

The sheer force of the

elephant's unexpected de fecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the

ground

where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to

evacuate

200 pounds of dung on top of him.

It seems to be just one of thos e

freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'

IT ALWAYS

SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES

FROM THE

GENE

POOL

Sound of jelly wobbling

I remember when they brought it in bottles to your door...

Whaad he say...

A Quickie in the Bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude 
man and one of a nude woman.   They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture,  brings the two to life.
  
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being 
so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." 
  
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go 
running behind the shrubbery. 
  
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle 
and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. 
  
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen 
minutes left, would you care to do it again?" 
  
He asks her "Shall we?" 
  
She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's!

 

But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the  pigeon down and you shit on its head." 
  
------AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???? 

Idle Thoughts of a Retiree's Wandering Mind

        I planted some bird seed.  A bird came up.  Now I don't know  what to feed it.
      ~~~
      I had amnesia once -- or twice.
      ~~~
      I went to San Francisco.  I found someone's heart. Now what?
      ~~~
      Protons have mass?  I didn't even know they were Catholic.
      ~~~
      All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
      ~~~
      If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride side saddle.
      ~~~
      What is a "free" gift?  Aren't all gifts free?
      ~~~
      Someone told me I was gullible and I believed them.
      ~~~
      Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
      ~~~
      Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
      ~~~
      One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other  people.
      ~~~
      My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
      ~~~
      I used to be indecisive.  Now I'm not sure.
      ~~~
      The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
      ~~~
      How can there be self-help "groups"?
      ~~~
      If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
      ~~~
      Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
      ~~~
      Is it just me--or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?

 

DANCE A WAY THE NIGHT

Bush Farts

'Warcraft' Sequel Lets Gamers Play A Character Playing 'Warcraft'

'Warcraft' Sequel Lets Gamers Play A Character Playing 'Warcraft'