Sound of jelly wobbling

I remember when they brought it in bottles to your door...

Whaad he say...

A Quickie in the Bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude 
man and one of a nude woman.   They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture,  brings the two to life.
  
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being 
so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." 
  
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go 
running behind the shrubbery. 
  
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle 
and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. 
  
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen 
minutes left, would you care to do it again?" 
  
He asks her "Shall we?" 
  
She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's!

 

But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the  pigeon down and you shit on its head." 
  
------AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???? 

Idle Thoughts of a Retiree's Wandering Mind

        I planted some bird seed.  A bird came up.  Now I don't know  what to feed it.
      ~~~
      I had amnesia once -- or twice.
      ~~~
      I went to San Francisco.  I found someone's heart. Now what?
      ~~~
      Protons have mass?  I didn't even know they were Catholic.
      ~~~
      All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
      ~~~
      If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride side saddle.
      ~~~
      What is a "free" gift?  Aren't all gifts free?
      ~~~
      Someone told me I was gullible and I believed them.
      ~~~
      Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
      ~~~
      Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
      ~~~
      One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other  people.
      ~~~
      My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
      ~~~
      I used to be indecisive.  Now I'm not sure.
      ~~~
      The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
      ~~~
      How can there be self-help "groups"?
      ~~~
      If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
      ~~~
      Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
      ~~~
      Is it just me--or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?

 

DANCE A WAY THE NIGHT

Bush Farts

'Warcraft' Sequel Lets Gamers Play A Character Playing 'Warcraft'

'Warcraft' Sequel Lets Gamers Play A Character Playing 'Warcraft'

Friendship

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

 

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he was still there.

tribal fusion

William rushes to the trough when the gong issounded

AUNTY SHARON ...

 

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.' 'What's the moral of that story?' asked the teacher. 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' 'Very good,' said the teacher. Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too.. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.' 'That was a fine story Sarah.' Little Johnny, do you have a story to share?' 'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon who was a RAF flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 Iraqi soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of ammunition. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.' 'Good heavens, that's some story,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?' 'Stay the f**k away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.'

 

Business cards

Anesthesiologist's business card:
When you care enough to sleep with the very best
**************************************
Â
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
**************************
Â
In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
**************************
Â
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
Â
At a Proctologist's door:
'To expedite your visit please back in.'
**************************
Â
On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
**************************
Â
On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..'
**************************
Â
On a Church's Bill board:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
**************************
Â
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
**************************
Â
At a Towing company:
'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'
**************************
Â
On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
**************************
Â
In a Nonsmoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and
take appropriate action.'
**************************
Â
On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
**************************
Â
At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come
to the right place.'
**************************
Â
On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
**************************
Â
On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
**************************
Â
At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car
payment.'
**************************
Â
Outside a Muffler Shop:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
**************************
Â
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
**************************
Â
At the Electric Company
'We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be'
**************************
Â
In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get
fed up.'
**************************
Â
In the front yard of a Funeral Home :
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
'Thank heaven for little grills.'
**************************
Â
And don't forget the sign at a
Chicago
Radiator Shop:
'Best place in town to take a leak 

Unbelievable

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple str uggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

Muffin Gun

Angry Kid Series 2: Russian Roulette

AtomFilms.com: Funny Videos | Funny Cartoons | Comedy Central

what's that...

The high cost of living

The price of Gas versus Printer Ink


All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are....

You will be really shocked by the last one! (At least, I was...)


Compared with Gasoline......


Think a gallon of gas is expensive?

This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.


Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon


Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ..........$9.52 per gallon



Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 .... $10.17 per gallon



Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ......... $10.00 per gallon



Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ....... $33.60 per gallon



Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 .... $178.13 per gallon



Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .. $123.20 per gallon



Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ....... . $25.42 per gallon



Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .....$84.48 per gallon




And this is the REAL KICKER...


Evian water 9 oz $1.49..$21.19 per gallon! $21.19 for WATER and the buyers don't even know the source

(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)


Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?

So they have you hooked for the ink.
Someone calculated the cost of the ink at............... (you won't believe it....but it is true........)
$5,200 a gal. (five thousand two hundred dollars)


So, the next time you're at the pump,be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or God forbid, Printer Ink!


Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump...

And - If you don't pass this along to at least one person, your muffler will fall off!!

Okay, your muffler won't really fall off...but, you might run out of toilet paper

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Madness

A man with a pegleg, hook hand and...

A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.

Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?

Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.

Interviewer: How did you get that hook?

Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.

Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?

Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.

Interviewer: And that put your eye out?

Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.

best friend

Who's your best friend?

 

Without a doubt, it's your dog, not your wife

 

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment…

 

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

 

When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you

 

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